Friday, October 29, 2010

Love is poison

I was infatuated but I tried to hide it like I always did. He had to leave in a second, but despite another episode of my usual tantrums and acting like a spoiled brat, he still spared a minute and stayed to soothe me. His train was coming, but a minute spared turned to 30 minutes and the best thing is he didn't care. I know I am his priority despite what they think. I am his priority in disguise. He leaves as I wait for him again, and I have no major problem with that because he had to- it is his work.
I do doubt if we were made for each other because our thinking clashes and we know that. 
I doubt because we are not very similar yet there is that line that pulls us together. I know that line is breakable, but I am too scared to think about that. I think it is breakable, but I don't know how he feels. I forget to ask. 
I know it is love, but is ours unique? Destined by the universe? Or just a phase? I am on the fence on that.
Sometimes I forget that I also serve as his best friend, but I don't know how it feels like to have a true friend. I never had a true friend, I am too selfish to have one. At times I am scared to be my true self around him for I might get too comfortable, predictable, or boring. I get wary of giving my all, of my heart and soul whenever he asks will I do everything for him, if I will take a bullet by the eye. My inside voice taunts, it warns. If it doesn't work out then what will I do when it is too late? For I gave him all? We took the chance for sure, but I am still selfish. Sorry. You are too, I think. I think I'm wrong.
I keep 24% of myself for insurance, and that is enough power to get me started when I loose everything. 
When that happens...maybe the bossy, independent, successful whore of a bitch he always complains about is not so bad. Maybe it's more fun. 
I itch to be that woman, so I will become that woman. It's a man's world, we need feminism. Feminism should be up on their faces, pussies and all.
I do itch to give him my all, but I slip up. I will choose the successful whore of a bitch anytime, any day.
I am of the lucky ones who save themselves as they brew in the poison of love. Some aren't too lucky, love is poison.
"I can slay my own dragons, I can dream my own dreams, My knight in shining armor is me."